Pregnancy & guilt.
That’s right, I’m pregnant. And for anyone close to me, their first question was “is it yours?”.
They ask that because as of December of last year, I was in my final stage of becoming a Gestational Carrier (surrogate) for an amazing couple. It’s something that I have always wanted to do.
My life plan; be done having children of my own by 28, then join an agency to be a surrogate. Sometimes though, life doesn’t go according to plan. In 2014, one year after having my daughter, I found out I was having a miscarriage and required a D&C. I wish I could say I was sad, but I wasn’t. I didn’t want another baby. I didn’t want to be pregnant again, it was too soon. I was in the process of working with insurance to get approved for an IUD. Then we had a “whoops”, so 24 hours later I bought Plab-B and went about my normal life. Plan-B usually makes your period a week late, it’s no big deal. But after 10 days I decided to take a test and immediately felt a feeling I had never felt before. My daughter wasn’t “planned”, but I wasn’t upset. This time, I was devastated. My husband tried to console me, but it was useless. Everything about that pregnancy felt wrong, so when I got the news that we had lost the baby, I actually felt relieved. That was my first “pregnancy guilt” moment.
I can’t change my feelings, I’m not a good liar. Everyone around me knew my feelings. I didn’t want another baby, but in that moment I had a small glimpse of what many woman fear each month. I decided to do something to help those woman, so I filled out an application to donate my eggs. I won’t go into too much detail of the process, but it was a long one. A very small percentage of woman who apply actually qualify to be able to donate. It was a very positive experience for me, and I could do a blog post with more detail if you guys ever want me to.
Right before my egg retrieval, I was asked by a close friend if I still wanted to be a surrogate at some point in my life. They had someone they knew that was looking for a gestational carrier (surrogate that has no genetic relation to the baby) for her and her husband to have a baby. I immediately said yes! But then said I better talk to my husband lol. He was totally on board, he knew it was something I always wanted to do. I met them weeks later and knew they were the perfect couple for me. Talking with them felt so natural. They are amazing people and deserved a baby more then people I had ever met. Meeting them confirmed that this was what I was suppose to do.
Not everyone was on board though. My mom took it really hard. My other family members were worried about Scarlett and her attachment to the baby. They were also worried about my health and back problems, and putting them on the line for someone else’s baby. I understood their concern, and I took it deeply into consideration, but ultimately it was what I needed to do. After months of test and psychologist appointments, I was officially cleared to be a surrogate. The psychiatrist said that my test and interview showed I was one of the absolute most sane people they had seen come through (even though Brandon said I paid her to say that 🙄). Not to toot my own horn, but I was the “perfect” surrogate. I couldn’t wait.
Now to January 2018. I got a message from the intended father to please call him when I had a chance to talk. So in between clients at work, I called him. I could tell in his voice that something wasn’t right. He told me that they were pulling the plug on their surrogacy journey. It was a decision they came to after the intended mother’s final testing, with the advise of the doctors. They were exhausted, physically, mentally, and I’m sure financially. I understood completely and just felt so bad for them.
After talking to Brandon, I told him that I still want to be a surrogate. But I wanted to go back to my original plan, done having my own babies by 28. So we decided for me I get off of birth control that next month and to stay off until my 28th birthday in September. Whatever happens, happens.
Well it happened…… the first cycle off of my birth control. I was pregnant. I knew it, even before a test could tell me. Then the test confirmed, I was pregnant. Then the feelings came…… I felt terrible. I had just spent the last almost 3 years of my life helping women who struggle with infertility, and I get pregnant the first month trying. It didn’t seem fair, I wasn’t even as happy as I should have been. I thought about the couple I was going to carry for. I was so nervous they would be mad at me, or have bad feeling towards me for getting pregnant so fast.
I took a month to process it all. I didn’t tell anyone right away except for Brandon. Slowly I’m coming around…. I’m excited for Scarlett to have a sibling, she is over-the-moon excited. I’m excited to design the nursery and go through pregnancy again.
I know so many woman that are struggling. That’s why I wanted to make this blog post. I’m here for you. I have been through both the egg retrieval process and the “transfer” process (even though mine was a “mock” transfer). I have done all of the injections and medications and will gladly answer any questions that I can.
I also made this post, selfishly, for myself. I needed to write this down. I haven’t talked to anyone about my guilt yet.
I was terrible about documenting my pregnancy with Scarlett and since this is my last for my own children, I will be sure to document this process a lot more.
I will still be a surrogate one day, health permitting. I know I am the perfect person to do it. Anyone with questions about surrogacy, feel free to message me. It’s a long process but it’s becoming less “taboo” and there are so many more resources out there to help guide you as both a surrogate or as an intended parent.
I really am excited to be pregnant. I just have a whole lot of extra emotions with that excitement.
So this is my bun, in my oven.
Early November 2018.
and it’s a girl 🎀